Feelings of dissatisfaction have a funny way of showing up in life.
You’ve finally finished years of schooling, have your degree/diploma in hand; and are ready to conquer the world. However, there is a surge of panic, as you wonder if this is even the field you want to get into.
Or, you excitedly get your first job; but within months that excitement is snuffed out. You don’t even hate it; it just has you wondering “will this be my life?”
Perhaps you’ve found the love of your life. The question has been popped and you are now experiencing post-wedding bliss. However, a couple of years later you are wondering “is this it?”
Or maybe you are just wondering “who am I?”, and “where did I lose myself?”
If you’ve been there, I think by now you are getting my point. If you haven’t arrived yet, please take note.
The formula is, milestone, honeymoon, now what? You aren’t necessarily unhappy, you just have this feeling of dissatisfaction or void, which I call, the “window of what?” Those times in life when you’ve reached an achievement, and then it’s like “what’s next?” “Now what?”. You finish school and get your first job. Now what? You meet the partner of your dreams and get married. Now what? You have your first child. Now what? You buy those new shoes. Now what? A place so many women will land throughout their lives. This knawing feeling of dissatisfaction or lack of direction.
I almost feel it’s inevitable. At some point, most of us arrive at this place, within some aspect of our lives. However, for women, it’s even more salient, as there are so many roles we embody, and so many expectations placed on us, that it’s very difficult to decipher between our voice and the outside world. Often, it’s easier to just defer to others than to “make the wrong choice”, which inevitably leads us on a path, where we need to circle back to ourselves.
An example that vividly stands out for me, was when I had finished my Master’s program. I had handed in my last paper, and my classmate and I went to a nearby restaurant to grab something to eat, and finally take a breath after what had been a trying 2 years. What should have been a time of jubilation, instead created a sense of panic. “Now what?” I had been a student for so long and didn’t know what was ahead of me. Further, I wasn’t even sure if the program I had taken was truly my calling. I felt there was potentially something more. Though I had so much purpose at that moment, there was still this feeling of dissatisfaction and lack. Thinking back, it was such a strange place to be. To have what I wanted, yet still, feel this void. Something I’ve experienced time and time again.
I think because we are so programmed to think happiness resides outside of ourselves, we are constantly seeking that milestone or achievement. This elusive “thing” that will bring us peace, joy, and help all the chips will fall into place. However, nothing can be farther from the truth. What I don’t think we take into consideration is that happiness and achievement is a subjective thing. Thus, it will look different from person to person.
This is the reason; I think it’s so important to focus on the intention behind what we seek. Are you thinking that once you make an achievement you will somehow become more complete, or satisfied? In my growth work and professional experience, nothing could be farther from the truth.
The quicker we realize that life isn’t a series of achievements, but moments of experience, things become a lot clearer and feel a lot easier. So here are my 3 tips to get out of the “Window of What” and move past feelings of dissatisfaction.
Shift Your Perspective
Very often, particularly in our younger years, we think of things in terms of achievement. Education, relationships, work, creating a family tend to be goals we are racing to. What I believe complicates this, is we often approach these moments, before we truly have a firm sense of who we are and what we want. As a coach, I think goals are great, however, sometimes they can impede us. So, what if we were to look at things as experiences, rather than things we are trying to conquer? Approach them, not as the finish line, but moments to be relished and cherished. Moments that you want to appreciate and be fully present in. This perspective shift allows you to make decisions based on what’s truly best for you, and not what you think should be best for you.
Be In The Moment
One of the things I recognized about myself, was that I was so future-oriented, that I wasn’t even fully experiencing my life moments. Sometimes I think back and wish I could re-experience these times, but do so more fully. Without the anxieties of what would happen next. What I have learned, is that tomorrow can truly rob you of today. Think about what you would want to experience, but do it from a place of expectation, rather than frustration. The thing about life is that things tend to work out, we just have to believe that they will, and approach things from this form of thinking. What is that feeling of dissatisfaction telling you in the moment? What need is needing to be met? There is a lot to learn, from what makes us uncomfortable. Rather than move to the next moment, try to embrace the lesson.
Rejig Your Goals
Sometimes we create our suffering by our inflexible thinking. Look at this window in time, as a space of possibility rather than a void. You can fill that space with whatever you want. There is no right or way of doing life. Think about the intentions behind your decisions. Are they helping you expand, or are they keeping you stuck? Whose desires, are they? Are they truly yours, or is this something that has been planted?
Moving Past Feelings of Dissatisfaction
Feelings of dissatisfaction can be really frustrating but know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it just requires a little work. With the tips above, these are a good place to start. One of the things I’ve found helpful is journaling about how I’m feeling, and what is going on with me. Use the questions above as journal prompts to help move past these feelings of dissatisfaction and stuckness.
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